Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
