i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Let's get the cat blown out
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
