But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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