i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
