someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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