that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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