yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
