I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
