If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
