Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
