Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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