I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
