if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
