Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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