The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
