I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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