In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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