Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
