I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
