Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
