i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
