Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
