I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
