First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
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