You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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