I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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