Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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