Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
