mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
