Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
