He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
