I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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