I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
