we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
