I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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