The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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