You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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