Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
