so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
