some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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