Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
