when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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