even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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