Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
