i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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