I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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