dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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