just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
