He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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