He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
