I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
